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Esilenna Loves |
Defying gravity, defying me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I feel that somehow, there's a lot moments whereby I find my life seriously messed up. Maybe this is one of those times. I just feel like I am rotting away and disintergrating into nothingness. With not much of a goal or idea of what I really want or who I really am. But even at these times when I feel like that, when I pause for a moment and think about it, I do know what I really want but I really have to get past the biggest obsticle that I have, Me. I know myself that if I do not get past this obsticle, I will be unable to achieve anything. But, where's the motivation and determination that I need? It's just so difficult to work towards something without anything or anyone to spur you on and keep you moving.
Today, I went to school at 8 and left at 10 plus. Why? I had physical education in the morning and somehow, only after running one round, I could concentrate on one object at all. It was as if the surroundings were blending into each other and becoming one big blob in my view. Of all days, P.M had to ask me to demonstrate together with him today. I couldn't really focus on one thing already, let alone a softball that is soaring through the air. After many times of not catching it properly, P.M kept shouting at me. After he finished with his lecture, we were all let to "pwactise"(that's how he says it) in pairs. half way through practising with bev, I had no choice but to go and sit down. As the song goes, my head was really spining right round, right round. After the break, I decided to sign out. There's something about signing out that always makes me feel gulity. It's as if I'm doing something really bad. But anyway, bad or not, I'm just in a very sensitive mood today.
Right now, if I do not plan out what I want to do or set a target for, I know that I'll undergo that state of anxiety again. Oh yeah, for those of you who actually read this blog, I should tell you that I'm going to be very honest about my feelings here. So, if I happen to say anything, just tell me alright. :)
Defying Gravity
Rachel:
Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game.
Kurt:
Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes and leap.
Both:
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down...
Rachel:
I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so.
Kurt:
Some things I cannot change,
But till I try, I'll never know.
Rachel:
Too long I've been afraid of
Kurt:
Losing love I guess I've lost.
Both:
Well, if that's love,
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down.
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down.
Bring me down!
Ahhahhoahh
This is one song that I'd and am going to listen to repeatedly, One, cause the singers voices are just awesome, two, the lyrics are just so fitting for the situtation right now, three, I just really need something to keep me going at this point in time. Else I know that I'll really collapse again and this time round, I really don't know how long it will take for me to recover and get back to the right state of mind to function properly again. Plus, I really do not want to stress out my mother any further. She's been a great pillar of support for me all this time. Not only being a mother to me but also a really close and dear friend that I can tell almost anything to. (almost, cause there are still somethings that your parents musn't know) One of my fears has always been that if she were to pass on, what am I to do?
The other two people that I really cannot do without is my godsister Adeline and my ULTIMATE BFF Adela chan :). Both of them have known me since a long way back and Adeline has been staying with me for 13/14 years already and I have known Adela for 11 years and counting :) Though we all may have our small squabbles at times and have different perspectives about different things, whenever I need help or vice versa, they have been always there for me. That is one thing that I will always treasure and remember. The best part is that when we complain to each other about something, the reaction that the other party gives will be the exact reaction that we wanted or how we reacted to the situtation ourselves. If I want to look for people who truly know me and understand me, this three people will definitely be at the top of the list :) For that, I am thankful for having them because, having them around is also something that keeps me going and moving on in life. I will also like to be able to always be there for them and be happy for them when they find their happiness or reach their goal in life. To all my other friends, thank you all for everything as well and you're definitely not forgotten. :)
I love you all :) <3 <3