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Esilenna Loves |
What I were to say that there is no other?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Though I said that I had made up my mind to forget, to forgo, to lose all sorts of feelings for that person. But, this is not going well for me right now. I get affected by the smallest things or comments ever. I am not usually like that unless I'm in Pms mode then sometimes it does happen. No matter how many times I said that this cannot go on, it doesn't ever seem to work. What am I to do?
It's not a choice to think of him or not, it's just that he has been occupying my view all this time and to get me to stop so suddenly just doesn't seem as easy as it seems. It took me a long time to forget before this. But now, it's back again and it will not go off as easily as it did the first time(which was nowhere near easy mind you).
I know that it is something that I have to walk out of. I will figure it out eventually but I just don't know how much longer I will take. Enough about him. I managed to solve costing problems in Management even though I didn't attend the lecture. Seriously, it's much simpler than I had thought it would be. It's just that if someone tells you that it is difficult, psychologically, you will think that it is difficult and naturally, a mental block will be in place. I read the chapter briefly yesterday night. Surprisingly, I managed to apprehend what the text was talking about. So, I guess, it's not a total loss of hope for me considering that I can do most of the calculations given.
People that are all alone are the most pitiful. When they have problems, they have no one to turn to and can only curl up in a corner to cry. I'm lucky that I am not in that state. That I have my family and friends to support me. But when I think of someone whom is close to me, who refuses to have any contact with the family and just lives all alone with no one to rely on, I just have this tight feeling in my chest. After all, he is still someone very dear to me and I don't wish anything bad to happen to him. Besides, he is my family and my brother. Self ostracisation is just unthinkable. Because, there will definitely be times whereby you need someone, when you're down and out, at least there will be a family to support but if you cut off all ties, no matter how much your family wants to help, they can't cause you will most probably reject their help. To that someone who caused me to be messed up for this period of time, I know that there might be no other besides you. But no matter what, I want to strive to be better, to shine so that, that one day will come and you will definitely REGRET.
Esilenna loves because Annelise is unable to.
Kabish! Verdict, good or bad?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
BLEARGH! I just felt like This term I managed to pass my literature at least. So that makes one H2 pass for me this year. Not too bad, considering that all I got last year was just a sub pass, pretty close to a pass but that doesn't make it one even though it is a SUB pass. Not even a glitch.
I'm feeling pretty hissy and overly sensitive this few days. Even though sometimes what may come across as a joke to some people becomes really quite offensive for me. Guess it was the "damage" done beforehand by someone and it will take me longer to recooperate than I had expected. I really hate it when I feel this vunerable to things. It is as if I have no control it at all or whatsoever. But in any case, I really have to get over it. I have been telling that to myself these few days but it's kind of going no where right now. I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP of myself. I don't want to be this whinny mess and constant tape recorder that so often repeats the same thing. I'm already tired of myself even though I'm not the recieving end. To all recieving ends, I'm sorry. I'll try to stop playing the same "MUSIC" over and over again. But, just try to bear with the music for the moment alright? :)
Though the start of the day wasn't as good as I had hoped, the extra lesson today was surprisingly hilarious. Not the lecturer of course, they were never really the funny type to begin with. It started with starring at a classmate's hair and wondering how much wax was used. But by the look of it, ALOT. I wouldn't be surprised if he bought hair wax by the bulk. I thought that it would be funny to tell my friends what I thought. Little did I know that it would spark off the "I want to try to touch his hair" stunt. Because, Jill, did actually reach out and touch his hair. It was hilarious when he tried to figure out who was it that touched his hair. But surprisingly, he didn't look pissed at all. After the lecture, because pei qi wanted to touch the wax like hair, Jill asked the guy really loudly, " CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?". But got rejected, cause he gave her a kind of "you're courting for death" look and went out of the class real fast.
So despite being held back last minute against our will, we got at least this much of entertainment from it. I have been really worn out these few days. Thankfully, there is no school for me on friday. Which means that I can sleep in and catch on the many winks of sleep that I had missed. Not so bad for a parent-teacher meeting day, which my mom wouldn't be attending. Well, that's all for today.
Esilenna loves because Annelise is not able to.
Defying gravity, defying me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I feel that somehow, there's a lot moments whereby I find my life seriously messed up. Maybe this is one of those times. I just feel like I am rotting away and disintergrating into nothingness. With not much of a goal or idea of what I really want or who I really am. But even at these times when I feel like that, when I pause for a moment and think about it, I do know what I really want but I really have to get past the biggest obsticle that I have, Me. I know myself that if I do not get past this obsticle, I will be unable to achieve anything. But, where's the motivation and determination that I need? It's just so difficult to work towards something without anything or anyone to spur you on and keep you moving.
Today, I went to school at 8 and left at 10 plus. Why? I had physical education in the morning and somehow, only after running one round, I could concentrate on one object at all. It was as if the surroundings were blending into each other and becoming one big blob in my view. Of all days, P.M had to ask me to demonstrate together with him today. I couldn't really focus on one thing already, let alone a softball that is soaring through the air. After many times of not catching it properly, P.M kept shouting at me. After he finished with his lecture, we were all let to "pwactise"(that's how he says it) in pairs. half way through practising with bev, I had no choice but to go and sit down. As the song goes, my head was really spining right round, right round. After the break, I decided to sign out. There's something about signing out that always makes me feel gulity. It's as if I'm doing something really bad. But anyway, bad or not, I'm just in a very sensitive mood today.
Right now, if I do not plan out what I want to do or set a target for, I know that I'll undergo that state of anxiety again. Oh yeah, for those of you who actually read this blog, I should tell you that I'm going to be very honest about my feelings here. So, if I happen to say anything, just tell me alright. :)
Defying Gravity
Rachel:
Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game.
Kurt:
Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes and leap.
Both:
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down...
Rachel:
I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so.
Kurt:
Some things I cannot change,
But till I try, I'll never know.
Rachel:
Too long I've been afraid of
Kurt:
Losing love I guess I've lost.
Both:
Well, if that's love,
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down.
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try
Defying Gravity
And you won't bring me down.
Bring me down!
Ahhahhoahh
This is one song that I'd and am going to listen to repeatedly, One, cause the singers voices are just awesome, two, the lyrics are just so fitting for the situtation right now, three, I just really need something to keep me going at this point in time. Else I know that I'll really collapse again and this time round, I really don't know how long it will take for me to recover and get back to the right state of mind to function properly again. Plus, I really do not want to stress out my mother any further. She's been a great pillar of support for me all this time. Not only being a mother to me but also a really close and dear friend that I can tell almost anything to. (almost, cause there are still somethings that your parents musn't know) One of my fears has always been that if she were to pass on, what am I to do?
The other two people that I really cannot do without is my godsister Adeline and my ULTIMATE BFF Adela chan :). Both of them have known me since a long way back and Adeline has been staying with me for 13/14 years already and I have known Adela for 11 years and counting :) Though we all may have our small squabbles at times and have different perspectives about different things, whenever I need help or vice versa, they have been always there for me. That is one thing that I will always treasure and remember. The best part is that when we complain to each other about something, the reaction that the other party gives will be the exact reaction that we wanted or how we reacted to the situtation ourselves. If I want to look for people who truly know me and understand me, this three people will definitely be at the top of the list :) For that, I am thankful for having them because, having them around is also something that keeps me going and moving on in life. I will also like to be able to always be there for them and be happy for them when they find their happiness or reach their goal in life. To all my other friends, thank you all for everything as well and you're definitely not forgotten. :)
I love you all :) <3 <3
Dear love
Monday, July 26, 2010
I just realised after that day, that it just takes one word from you to throw my world into turmoil and my vision only concentrated on you even though I had told myself repeatedly that I had forgotten about you. You should know the position that you have in my heart, I'm even that dense to the extent of dedicating my first blog post entirely to you. I guess you'll never know that you're the one that changed my view about everything that I'd stood against for. I never believed in love, marriage or that there is anything that will last forever. To me, everything has a lifespan and after that lifespan, we just have to move on with our life. Be it love, marriage, friends or anything, I was cynical about life. But watching you, even from a distance, I see you trying your best at everything, it made me look back and think about all my perceptions about things. Before I even knew it, I was already falling for you. It took me a long time to forget you when we said our goodbyes, but it just took a concerning look, a call and a message to make me the way I was.
Dear love, you may not even see this post, but I just want to tell you that everything that I had/have/am feeling/felt about you, it may never change and it might take alot for another person to take over the place that you occupy in my heart. It feels stupid because, you might not even feel the same way, now or ever.