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Esilenna Loves |
I wish I may I wish I might.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Have you ever thought of why your wishes don't come true when you wish upon a star? It is said that it will come true but why won't it come true? I would like to know that as well. If only wishes come true, then more than half of our problems will be gone won't it? Not to mention that all of us will be much more happier than what we are right now. We will be able to find the answers to our questions and meet the right people. Everyday would be a breeze this way. 
make a wish
I wish that wishes come true.
It's all part of life.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It's all part of life to have ups and downs. But in mine, if I were to very pessimistic about it, there are more downs than ups. Cause the ups never last and yet there is no end to the downs. But I'd have to pick myself up else there will be no end to such things. Besides, it's not the first time. I have been through more than this. I can do this. Even though I may not know where I'm going now but I'll find out sooner or later.
You'll never understand someone if you stand in their shoes and just look at them where you are standing. I keep starring blank at the screen even though I have to much to express. I guess maybe it's because I'm so tired of saying too many things and have decided not to say anything? Oh gosh, I think I'd better get a grip on myself. There's blood everywhere. Like silence that pierces through the night.
Read me like an open book then tore me apart.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I've been on very bad mood swings lately. It's as if I'm menopausal or something. Adeline's boyfriend came over today to teach me some stuff. Mainly psychological stuff. I have to say, he's really quite good at it. If he were ever to retire from being a doctor, he should totally become a psychaitrist or maybe a inspirational talker. The way his brain works is just really rather amazing. It's as if he has a CPU in there or something. Well, though I didn't start of liking him, for fear he'd take away my godsis. He really proved to be otherwise. Though he may not look it, but he's really rather reliable as a man. I think Adeline's safe with him on the aspect. The fact that he plans things before hand and stuff like that guarantees their future together. So, I really have to say she's lucky cause after having a 5 hour talk with him today, I realise that he really loves her. So, it's all good. It'd be even better if I can have my own happiness as well. I feel like having someone to rely on these days. Cause the water current feels really strong and I'm afraid that I might not be able to brave it alone. According to him, I might have been under a certain medical condition for a long time(maybe 10 years?) but didn't know it. It's only after today that I have realised but it's all about will power and the desire to get out of that situtation. The best thing he told me today was that, "if there's no commitment in doing something, it just means you got stood up." Hell yeah he was right.I'm really grateful for my bestie. Cause when I'm feeling upset, she knows exactly how I feel and sometimes react to the situtation much stronger than I did which really makes me feel comforted somehow. Knowing someone for so long somehow makes the relationship stronger, cause they know you better and feel what you feel. Though it doesn't always work this way, but for me and my nutty, it does. I've known her for erm... 11 years close to 12( we met at age 7) and now we're besties. I do feel what she feels and she feels what I feel though maybe not all the time but most of the time. We may be blunt to each other at times cause we really know what we can say. Like for example if I like a guy and she thinks the guy's a jerk, she'll tell me and we'll talk about it and see where it goes from there. Vice versa. I guess that maybe what makes our friendship strong. I've been complaining to her alot lately, haha, sorry nutty but thanks so much for making me feel so much better. *Hugs*
I'm only left with one month to my exam, wait, actually, it's really much less than a month. Have to work hard for the best that I can do. Cause so far, my "best" hasn't even been my best yet. I can't afford to be not movtiavted or anything right now. Not at this point of time. Not now. I'm overloaded with my own problems right now. It's already close to the fight or flight mode. Need to perk myself up and bring myself up to greater heights.
吃得苦中苦方为人上人
Just a little pick me and you up.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I guess I've learnt that through all these years and to that person, thank you for letting me grow and learn cause if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even have come to know about all these things to begin with and would most probably still be somewhere in the crowd with no direction to go. At least, liking someone like that has given me a benefit I guess? But together with that, I learnt to grow and how to pick myself up faster.
This year, I've made new friends, they brought more colour into my life so much so that I don't always paint my world in grey anymore. hehe. To someone like Juliet, thanks so much pal :) xie xie ni :) At least now that I have friends like that in the school, the school doesn't feel so foreign and distant anymore.
We all sometimes lose our temper, yell at someone, scream or do something that we don't mean. It's normal, but we must grow to realise that sometimes, it may be better to just say nothing and hold it in. Rather than to show it and make things uncomfortable. It's alright, we all learn that, it just comes with time how fast each and everyone of us learn something. Some faster, some slower, some never not because they don't have to learn it but maybe because such things may not happen in their life. Afterall, there is a reason for everything.
I've recently watched a movie titled" I give my first love to you". I'll copy the rough synopsis from wiki and just paste it here. It's a good movie. Definitely something worth watching and the life story behind it is great as well.
Takuma, a boy who is told he will die before he’s 20, and Mayu, a girl who is in love with him…
The story begins when they are little kids. Mayu, whose father is a doctor, meets Takuma, who is hospitalized in her father’s workplace. They develop feelings for each other, but Mayu learns of Takuma’s grave illness and that he will die before he turns 20. The distraught children make one promise for an uncertain future.
Time passes, and the girl becomes a young woman, and the boy, a young man. Mayu continues to support and love Takuma. On the other hand, Takuma, who knows his days are numbered, pushes away his feelings for Mayu and distances himself from her. He cannot stand to see her cry or hurt her more than he already has. Then Mayu meets another man who has feelings for her, and Takuma meets a woman who has the same illness, and their feelings for each other begin to waver.
Misunderstandings, unsaid thoughts, the frustrations and chagrin of youth… What will become of their love while the clock keeps ticking away in Takuma’s life?
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| Koizora |
So, to all the girls out there, if you have someone whom you like, it's not wrong to hold feelings for that person but it will be very tiring to just keep watch afar when you do not even know what is going on in his head. But somehow, you know that one glimpse of that person, or his name can make you very happy. It's alright to cling on to feelings like these but when someone else eventually comes along, you might want to decide to either let go, or just hang on until the feeling dies, or something good happens and brings the both of you together or maybe someone who treasures you and captures your heart appears in your life. Else, you're free to love anyone as you like and for as long as you want. As such things, it's up to you not that person cause feelings like these can't be changed overnight. :) So, don't give up!
To my dear friends, WE SHOULD TOTALLY START STUDYING SOONNNN!!! :)
Love you guys!
Hope this helps special person! :) love ya! <3
Taking a midnight train going anywhere but here.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
These few days hasn't been good for me. It was and still is filled with many uncertainties and obstacles ahead of me. I don't know what to do now. Turning left or right doesn't feel right somehow, and being offered the offer that I thought I wanted didn't seem to appeal to me anymore. It feels more of a dread for it to really have to come true. I'm again at a point whereby I prefer to be isolated than in a crowd. Because in order not to dampen other's sprits, at some point, I always force myself to smile until I get so sick of it. I don't know where I'm going nor do I know what I want anymore. It's just that, I know I need help and someone to talk to but the problem is, I don't know who. Well, I can't be bothered to figure that out anymore cause maybe things might figure/ work themselves out. In the meantime, any kind soul that happens to read this post, and you think that you might be able to help me with some of my study subjects, please text me kay. I'm in need of help. Though it's stupid for me to post it here but I just don't know who else to ask right now. So yeap.
When the going gets tough, the amber light shows.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I went to the doctor's yesterday(in case you're wondering, I have to go for checkups every two weeks to make sure my condition is stable and everything), then she immediately pointed out that if I don't change my sleeping habits, I'm going to end up in hospital instead of the exam hall. I didn't think it was so bad anyway because I do sorta make up for my sleep in the afternoons just that, sometimes it might not be that sufficient. But apparently, my body, like the traffic light is already turning amber in colour, so I have to adjust the whole sleeping thing before it turns RED. Although, I really can tell it's taking a toll on my body, I will only be able to adjust the sleeping time during the national day holidays. Maybe it's due to somethings happening in school as well as at home, I've become even more sensitive and edgy to things around me. It's like I get disturbed or offended by things that really don't mean harm but were just said for fun either that or I say things that I don't mean or may not sound so nice to the ears of the recievers. Either or, I'm sorry to the people around me. I'll be alright soon enough. If it becomes unbearable, tell me.
I'm over with the complaining and whinning already because I've finally found some reason to it at last. No one said that things were ever easy, it just depends on how you view certain things. If you're positive about it, it will be over with faster than you think. But if you choose to dwell on the same spot, chances are you will just linger on and dwell in more misery than ever. That's for me, I don't really know about others. But I realised that once I found a reason to do something, it naturally becomes easier to approach.
But in any case, I need to find someone to talk to fast. Someone that can be neutral to everything but I don't want to tell my story all over again. I really just don't know. To my teachers, if anyone of you happen to read this post, Annelise knows what she is doing or has done. It's just that, I get trapped within myself very easily and I need time to walk out of it. Don't worry, I will do my part in my studies and make sure I get promoted this time round. After all, Pre-U 2 is a year that I won't EVER want to repeat again.
I went for two movies during the weekend. My darling mother thought that I was too stressed out and decided to bring me out to relax. I really do love her so. We watched "Aftershock" and Nodame Cantabile. Both shows and some other happenings seem to be like a sign from the One that is above telling me that I have to change and walk out of things myself. Because even I know myself that if I don't walk out of it myself, I will never be able to walk out of it. My mom watched Nodame and after the show, she turn to me and said, the girl's EXACTLY like you, ESPECIALLY her behaviour. Well, I guess I am like that to the people who really know me but I seal myself off to others. You really learn alot especially when you get ostracised by others when you were really young and had problems communicating. But, each and everytime, it's a new learning experience and adaptation to the environment as well as society's expectations. This is most probably why I hate starting in a new environment all over again. Because I have to adapt and learn as well as get used to the way that people of that "category" act, think and expect from others, in this case, me. Most of the time, it comes across to me as frustrating and nothing else. But, no matter what, you'll just have to live with it as time goes by.
吃得苦中苦方为人上人.
That was carved onto the pencil that my chinese teacher gave me. We drew lots for the pencil and each and everyone of them had different phrases and idioms written on them. This one really applies to me and I'm really glad that I got it. To those who can't read mandarin it means, the more hardships that you endure, the more successful you will be in future. It roughly means that.
If love can be withdrawn, forgone and forgotten so easily, it is not called love anymore.
Free fall from heaven, back to earth.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
You shouldn't give anyone hope. Cause you may not realise what you said or done, if it's not going to be fufilled may cause that person to get hurt, how much, you will never know. Like how some bloody said to my friend that he loved her to but then when she found out that he had a girlfriend, he said"I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO BREAK YOUR HEART", "YOU WERE ALR IN SUCH A BAD SITUATION, I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE IT ANY WORSE FOR YOU". Bloody asshole. I mean, if a girl confesses to you with her heart, if you are already attached or even if you didn't like her, the basic courtesy would be to AT LEAST TELL HER THE TRUTH and not give her more hope, bring her up to heaven, then kick her down to earth to face the harshness and the reality of the situtation. SERIOUSLY, TO GUYS LIKE THIS, YOU CAN SO GO AND DIE! Girls, if you were ever, have been or are in this kinda situtation right now, pick yourself up, kick his sorry butt and make him REGRET the Gem that he has lost. JERKS. They only know how to give false hope and then just leave people hanging like that. No matter what, it is only polite to message someone when you cannot make it, or that you are unable to do something. NOT just not inform and leave that person hanging. SERIOUSLY, just go sit in a corner, rot and die okay?
Right now, I may be back on earth, but I am very sure that I can face my problems on my own even without your help. Thanks alot anyway. Looking through the glass, to be able to overcome and outdo yourself. I will definitely make you regret.